Go To Heaven!
by Kohaku Ishtar
Summary: Hello there. Incase you don't know who I am...Hi, I'm Malik Ishtar. And this tragic story should serve as a warning to you all lest you decide to get a little to vengence happy...
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh....but one can dream.

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Anyway...this is a new story that I've been thinking about for a while. It's a little different, and it's another attempt for me to do comedy...which I'm sure will fail miserably...but again...one can hope. Enjoy.

Chapter One

Life is dull. Life is always dull...especially if you're me. Yea, you heard it right. Me Malik Ishtar the one and only sex god. Heh...a bit egotistical huh? Well, that's just the way I am, so get used to it. So anyway, I'm about to inflict some major ass whooping on a certain dumb, albino asshole, with the stupid name Bakura. Bakura? What the hell kind of name is that? It sound like butt picker. Yea, heh...butt picker that what he is. He picks his own butt, his hikari's butt...and what's worse...Shadi's butt. I mean, that's just foul. Really though, who wants to pick butts all day? Why did his parents name him that...oh yea...they were butt pickers too. He must have a proud family lineage of humongous butt pickers, and his parents must be sooo proud of him because he has to be like the best butt picker I have ever seen. I mean, you have got to see this guy go at it, it's like he thinks it's a freggin Olympic sport or something the way he picks at his rear end and the hind quarters of others. But I guarantee if he ever goes near my ass he will not have any fingers to pick his own with anymore.

   Oh Gods there I go again, off on a tangent about something as stupid as Bakura being a butt picker. Well, then again, his name does sound like butt picker, therefore whenever I say his name I will go off on this damn tangent and it will be like one big circle. Almost like the circle of life...geeze, that reminds me of a movie I saw once...and Ra was it ever a dumb movie. That big fat warthog reminded me of Bakura, the way he can clear the savanna with every meal, yea...that sound like something Bakura could do.

  Annneeeeway...my sister shelled out thousands of yen to try and help me from having these conversations with myself, but hehe....I guess that's money well wasted.

   Back to my main point here. I am about to go and kick butt pick- I mean Bakura's ass because...HE MADE FUN OF ME AGAIN! He says that I have a lazy eye. I might be lazy but there is NOTHING wrong with my eyes! He says that I should get big rimmed glasses so that he can take them from me and break them and then call me a big dork because I have to wear tape around the bridge! Well I have news for him! NO! NO I will not get glass for a lazy eye that I don't have BUTT PICKER. Maybe you should get a cone put around your ass so that you can't pick it anymore! And then I can sit there and laugh at your dumb ass for looking like a dog with the cone on the wrong end...or maybe for you it's the right end.

    Oh gods...I can see it now. I'm going to be in a mental hospital by the time I'm twelve...oh wait...I am twelve...no maybe I'm not twelve...oh shit, oh shit...

   Frantically I raced for the phone. Dialing the number I wait for an answer. Ah finally.

   "Isis! Isis how old am I?!?!?" I screeched hysterically.

   From the other end, Isis sounded kind of disgruntled and out of breath, it kind of made me wonder what she was up to...I mean, it sounded like she had just finished a very strenuous activity...oh well, she was probably working on her Mustang again...I've always wondered why she named it Kaiba... 

   "Oh for Alla's sake Malik...have you been into the kitty litter again?" She said with a gasp of breath.

   "Oh shut up!" I whined as I felt like hitting the phone. And so I did, only hurting myself in the process.

   "Malik," She said calmly, "Malik stop hitting the phone, we've gone over this a thousand times at therapy. I can't feel any acts of violence over the phone."

   "Ok...ok...so how old am I?" Now I really wanted to know, and all the anticipation was killing me! I've always wanted to know how old I was.

   "Sixteen." She replied simply.

   "What?!? Nuh-uuh! It can't be! I was just twelve two minutes ago!" Suddenly I felt that horrid feeling in my gut, like I had just swallowed a whole lot of camel piss, and it wasn't agreeing with me.

   "Oh shit..." I moaned.

   "Malik!? Malik what did you do now??"

   "I'm sorry you must have the worng...gaaaahh...." Not able to feel my legs anymore, I stumbled and hit my head on the open refrigerator door...and then...it all went black, but not before I heard her screech over the phone..."Malik! Malik! I'm coming over there right now!"

   Heh...no doubt she's going to ride Kaiba over here...

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   I'm sure that I was having a pleasant, however strange, time beating the snot out of Bakura. Yea, we were in hell, or something like that...yea, and Bakura was all bloody and bruised up...and then this little devil showed up and told me to push him off the side of the cliff and into the fire...I was all for it, and so, I was sneaking up behind him, and I was about to push him off, when all this water came falling from the top of hell.

   Yea...that was kind of strange...after all...there's no water in hell. But then all of a sudden...I wasn't in hell anymore, I was sitting on my bathroom floor with my head in the...

    "Ah!!!! What the?!?!" I shouted, jumping up. My sudden yelling must have startled my sister...speaking of whom, I have no idea why she's in my apartment, but that's besides the point.

   "Oh good, you're awake." She said with a frown. I glanced down and noticed that there was a mop in her right hand.

   "I appreciate you coming over to clean my kitchen again...but last time I checked, it wasn't dirty." Reaching over, I grabbed the towel off the wall and started to wipe the toilet water off of my face. Of course she gave me a strange look. "What?!?" I snapped.

   "Did your head fall into the toilet?" She bit her bottom lip. "Yea, sorry about that...I should have stayed in here for a while. But you were puking your guts out, and I had to get you out of the kitchen so that I could clean it up...again." She moaned rolling her eyes.

   At that point I was totally lost. I didn't remember puking my guts out. I wasn't even in my kitchen. I was in hell duking it out with Bakura.

   "Isis I have no idea what you're talking about, I wasn't in the kitchen at all, I was..." I paused for a moment. Telling her that I was in hell might make her take me back to that god awful place called therapy. That place just disgusts me. The way they smile at you and pretend that the give a fuck, when they really don't. I hate them, they should die...they will die.

   "Malik, when I came in I found you wallowing in your own puke and singing the theme song to Just Shoot Me."

   That couldn't be, I swear to Ra I was in hell...I defiantly wasn't sing anything at all.

   "But Isis why the hell would I be puking for one, and then singing the theme song to Just Shoot Me?"

   "Because, you were drunk off you ass." She said as she glared at me, the way she always does. She thinks that she has me on a freggin leash, and that I'm some sort scared puppy, evidently she doesn't know me well...I just cross my arms and laugh. I laugh every time she tries to drag me to therapy. I laugh every time she scolds me for going out and partying...and I especially like to laugh when she gets that motherly tone with me and tries to give me the 'One of these days...' speech. There are however things that I choose to keep from her; things that no one should know. Which is why I have become a master of hiding things, like say cadavers.

   The nerve of this woman, trying to tell me that I'm drunk. I'm not drunk I'm Egyptian; this stuff is like cactus juice to me. I could tell that she was getting disgusted with me by the way she rested her hand on her hip and shifted her weight to one side. It's that stupid woman thing, and I can't stand it. So I just roll my eyes, trying to get on her last nerve, which, like hiding dead bodies, is something that I can do quite well. I am a total bastard. But there is nothing else I'd rather be. Being a bastard keeps people away, and as long as they stay away, I'm happy, because I'm miserable, which makes me happy. Yes, I have a very atypical way of going about things. Being miserable makes me happy, therefore, if I can make everybody else miserable along with me, then I have completed my mission.

   Isis turned her back to me without saying another word and walked out to the kitchen. So I followed her. I wanted to know how I got drunk...because I swear to Ra I wasn't drunk, although, I don't remember much of anything that happened before me and Bakura were fighting in hell. Huh, maybe I did get drunk...

   "I don't think I got drunk Isis." I put in before stopping in my tracks as a putrid smell reached my nose. "Oh my gods! Did Shadi come by here again?!" Racing over to the window behind the couch I cracked it open and started wafting in fresh air.

   "No Malik. That would be the smell of your own puke." She remarked snidely. "And since you're awake now, you can clean it up." She walked over to me and handed me the mop. I just stood there for the longest time before inching my way over to the kitchen floor.

   "Ra, that's just foul....hey, wait," Reaching down I pulled out something shiny. "There's that American silver dollar I swallowed a while ago." Picking it up, I put it in the sink so that I could wash it up. Just then something hit me.

   "Isis, I can't clean up this mess, I have somewhere to be." I said quickly before she walked out the door.

   "Oh yea, and where is that?" She asked, cocking her eyebrow. Dammit I hate it when she gets that bitchy attitude with me. But on that note...where was it that I had to be? I'll be damned...I can't even remember. I know it was important, but prior to waking up with my head in the toilet, I can't remember a damn thing. 'Where, where did you have to go stupid?' I asked myself, while smacking my forehead with my hand, as if the violence would somehow jog my pathetic excuse for a memory.

   "Ok Malik, stop wasting my time. You don't have anywhere to be, you just don't want to clean up your barf."

   "I DO have somewhere to be! I just can't remember now exactly where it was!" I shouted, starting to become really frustrated.

   "Prove it." She demanded. I don't like it when she gets that tone with me. It really pisses me off.

   "Prove what? Why don't you prove to me that I was drinking!?" I shouted, thinking that I had her beat until she reached in the trash can and pulled out an empty six pack. "Ok, that doesn't prove anything." I say...but I know that my defense is close to coming to an end. Just then I saw her flip over the cardboard case, and on it was a note. Reading it, I suddenly realized something.

   "I have to go kick Bakura's ass now! The nerve of him! Giving me beer with the Ebola virus in it. What's that sick fucker trying to do, kill me? I don't really care now where I had to be that I can't remember that I had to be; that can wait until I figure out where it was. A good ol' Bakura ass whoopin comes first and foremost in my book....The nerve of him, trying to kill me with that damn virus. I'll teach him. 

Moving away from the kitchen I brush past my bewildered sister, thrusting the mop in her hands and storming down the hallway to the elevator.  Ohh I can't wait to get my hands on him...

   Jabbing my finger into the down button like it was Bakura's eye; I stood there for what felt like hours waiting for the damn thing to get to my floor. When at last it came, I stepped in and completely ignored Isis, who was screaming her lungs out as the elevator doors methodically shut, keeping me from her womanly wrath.

   As soon as the elevator reached the parking garage, I ran out of that elevator, not even paying attention to where I was going. Then some dumb shit head had to get in my way; him and his dumb SUV...nearly ran me over as soon as I stepped out into the middle of the street without looking both ways and listening for oncoming traffic...stupid shit head...he should have been looking and listening for an oncoming Malik Ishtar. So as if that wasn't enough...after he nearly maimed me, he had the nerve to flip me the bird, as if it was my fault. Well, I'll show him...as soon as I get done with Bakura, that ass will wish that he had stayed home today...  

   Ok, so now I'm beyond pissed off...I'm irate. See, when I get to this level, not even Isis wants to intervene. So now I'm paying attention even less than before, because I'm too busy visualizing the scenario for two murders now instead of one. Let me tell you something, incase you've never had to do that before...it's hard work. Grant it...not impossible, especially if you're me; but hey...it's still hard none the less.

   And so here I am thinking about a home made electric chair for Bakura, and something that has to do with arsenic for that other dude, when all of a sudden I feel this horrible pain all over my body...almost like it just snapped in half. It felt real strange at first, and there was this real loud noise in my ear. Blinking I looked up and realized that I was on my back on the ground staring up at the sun. Wait...the sun? Huh...I must have really not been paying attention. I didn't even realize that I hade made it out of the parking garage. Hold up...If I made it out of the parking garage...oh shit. Because, as soon as the parking garage ends, it runs straight into a four lane highway... Suddenly the pain intensified so much that I had to cry out...but my scream only made it hurt worse. I'm at a total loss now. I have no idea what just happened...but I have a feeling it's not so good, seeing as I must still be on that four lane highway... 

   I open my eyes again, but this time I couldn't see anything, and that noise by my ear is starting to get dimmer too...but I hear...people...they're...they're screaming. But why are they...ah...ok now it really hurts...really really bad...   

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Whad I tell ya? Strange ne? Well this is only the exposition. The real story starts next chapter. Sore Ja! 


	2. Chapter Two

Here's chapter two of a story about a guy that I don't own.

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I don't really know how long I was sleeping, but boy was I scared shitless after I peeked out of one eye. Expecting to find myself passed out on the couch like I usually ended up, I was a bit surprised to find myself lying on the ground. But it wasn't just any ground...this ground was yellow and shiny. It reminded me of my sennen rod.

Sitting up, I looked around, and as if the gold ground wasn't strange enough...there was sporadic fog wafting in the air...I must be having one of those hallucinations that my therapist was talking about. I turned my head both ways and gazed at a vast nothingness. I mean, there was absolutely nothing save for the few patches of fog and one long golden street that seemed to run on forever in both directions.

After a moment of thought, I made up my mind to go back home...that is...if I could figure out how to get there. It didn't look as though there would be anybody to ask for directions along the way, and I most certainly have never been in this strange neighborhood before.

Getting to my feet I decided that the best way to figure out which way to go was to close my eyes, spin around, and point. And in so doing, I'm sure I'll find my way home. But I bet Isis is still going to be pissed at me. Oh well.

Shrugging, I started on my way, while hoping that maybe she cleaned up my kitchen while I was gone...my kitchen filled with puke....my kitchen filled with puke because I drank some beer...my kitchen filled with puke because I drank some beer with the Ebola virus in it...my kitchen filled with puke because I drank some beer with the Ebola virus in it that a dumb shit head named Bakura put in it.

One of two things will happen. A. I'll find my way home, or B. I'll just wander around aimlessly until I wake up. That is, if I'm even asleep. I don't ever remember having hallucinations this vivid, even when I was drunk. Then again, I never had the Ebola virus in my system either. This wasn't such a bad thing, why doesn't everyone like the Ebola virus? It's harmless...and you get some very strange and realistic dreams. When I wake up I might just have to ask Bakura for some more!

One things for certain, I'm in a better mood then I've been in for quite some time. It's like I don't have any worries anymore, just walking down this shiny road with my hands in my pockets taking in the wonderful...eh hem...shall I say shitty scenery. You know, the more I think about it, the less I want some more of that virus. This dream is boring as hell. Speaking of hell, I liked that dream I had earlier, when I was in hell, dreaming about beating the shit out of Bakura. Why couldn't I be dreaming that again? This dream was a waist of my unconscious time!

Pitting myself into a downward spiral, I walked for what felt like an eternity until I happened to see a few people lined up in front of a shiny gate. To my amusement, there was an old man sitting at a desk in front of everyone. He had a file cabinet next to his desk, but I was too far away to really see what was going on. So, just for the hell of it, I decided to go over there. Maybe somebody could tell me where I was, and how the hell I could get home.

Passing everybody in the line, I walked up to the old fart and cleared my throat. But he seemed to be paying no mind to me.

"Um, hello?" I asked.

"Take a number and get in line." He replied, pushing that red thing that you pull a number out of over to me. You know, it's like those things they have in butcher shops. Well, I didn't need to wait in line just to ask for directions, I mean, who the fuck does this old guy think he is?

"Listen here you old geezer. All I need to know is how I can get home!" I yelled, my patients growing thin.

"Home?" He grinned. "Home?!?" To my utter amazement, he started laughing at me! What the fuck? He's laughing at me!

"Please sir, just get in line, and when it's your turn, I just might be able to help you with your...uh, problem."

"Yea, well you know what I think?" I felt the sudden urge to do something drastic. "You can take your number and shove it!" I turned around to the shiny gate that was behind me, unzipped my pants and whipped it out. Yea, I was going to piss all over this damn thing.

"Sir, I wouldn't do that...p-please sir..."

Like hell I was going to listen to him. Oh, here it comes. I felt the warm liquid emerging, and I positioned myself and let her rip. Ahh, this had to be one of the best ideas of my life. Ha ha ha just look at his face...But suddenly, I felt a warm sensation all over my body, a bit uncomfortable at first, it soon grew to unbelievable, intense pain.

"Ahhh!" I screamed, quickly tucking myself back in and sipping up my pants. The shock was moving through my entire body, causing me to convulse with pain.

After about five minutes of this torture, I finally felt it subsiding. Glaring at the old man, I spoke to him. "What the hell was that?!?"

"Our gate...it's electric." He said monotonously while continuing to work with the people in line.

"Oh really? Well you could have told me that BEFORE I decided to piss on it!"

"Sir, I tried, but you just wouldn't listen. Now, if you please." He directed my attention to the red number thingee.

Hastily I walked over, and with a sour expression I took the damn number and walked to the end of the short line. I watched as he talked to the person in the front of the line. After a few minutes went by I saw him reach to the side of his desk and push a red button. Then I saw that person simply fall through the floor. Ok, that was strange.

One by one all the people in front of me ended up falling through the god damn floor. Yup, this is one strange dream.

But finally it was my turn. And about time! It took that old man damn near forever to get to me. And all I needed was the answer to one fucking question.

"Name." I heard him ask me, interrupting my thoughts.

"What's that matter, all I want to know is-"

"Name please." He interrupted.

"Ok ok, don't shit yourself!" I shouted, only to have him glair at me.

"Young man, please watch your tongue."

"Yea, ok, whatever. My name's Malik."

"Last name?"

"Ishtar."

I saw him open up his file cabinet and pull out this huge ass book. Just great, now the old fart's going to start reading and forget that I'm even here!

"Look, I just want to find my way-"

"Shush!" He spat. Jesus Christ, this man has got some nerve! Shushing me! Who the fuck does he think he is?

"Malik....Ishtar, Malik..." I saw him running his finger through the book. "I don't know why I'm even bothering to look, obviously you're not going to get in." He said with a chuckle.

Get in? Get in where? What the hell is he reading anyway? Suddenly he looked up from the book and stared at me.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Tell me Malik, why do you think that you should get into heaven?" He sat back in his chair and continued to watch me.

"Heaven? What the hell is heaven?" And why is he asking me why I think I should get into it? All I want to do is go home!

He looked at me, with his eyes wide, like I offended him or something...well, I guess I did...but who gives a flying fuck?

So I stood there, trying to think. Heaven...hm, heaven? Why does that name ring a bell? Oh! Of course! How could I have forgotten?!

"Oh! Heaven!" I said with a laugh. "Yea, this must be that new nightclub I heard about. Man, I didn't know you guys were open already or else I would have swung by a loooong time ago!" I paused when I noticed that he still looked totally shocked. "You wanted to know why I think that I should get in? Well, I swear to Ra that I'm over eighteen 'I have a fake ID to prove it'...and I already have enough alcohol in me to kill a moose, so I ain't getting any drunker, and...hm, I promise I won't kill anybody like I did in that other nightclub. Oh, and I am a really good dancer."

The man shook his head. No! I want to get in! I love nightclubs!

"I'm sorry Malik, but I think we're on two different levels here. I have no choice but to send you to..." There was a ring and I saw him pick up the phone and spin his chair around. "Uh huh...yes...yes boss I understand...but, but he's just so...well...uh huh...I hope you know what you're doing...oh yes, of course you do, how silly of me...yes, bu buy now."

He turned and glared at me as if I had just ruined his day. Oh goody! That makes me soo happy!

"You're one lucky guy Malik Ishtar. I just sent five people to hell because they didn't tithe, and you're ass gets into heaven after you've (goes on for fifteen minutes reading off the list of all the bad things Malik Ishtar has done in his short sixteen years)." I heard him groan and then he pressed the white button that was nest to the red one. The gates behind his desk slowly lurched open, allowing me to enter. Score! I got into heaven! Bakura is going to be so jealous when I tell him!

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This story still ahs a little ways to go before the actual plot begins. Yes, this story does have a meaning, or else I wouldn't write it. Just be patient with me, first person fics are not my thing, but as always, I will do my best.


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